4 years 3 months..... That is how long I have been in service and every year since 2006, at around this period, I will be dealt with this fatal blow that will always weaken my immune system, making it difficult to carry on.... Yes, I failed to get my promotion again... All because of the grade I was given 2 years ago.. Acoording to rules and regulations, I need to wait for another one more year.... So much about rules and regulations!!!! Haven't I done enough? Haven't I slog my guts out? Haven't I persisted on against all odds? Haven't I tried my best? I see my counterparts getting promoted, I see my juniors getting promoted but me.. I am still here at hantak kaki position.... I am not moving up, I am not going anywhere... Imagine yourself being a rock lying in the middle of a stream and everyone is just stepping on you to get ahead and across... The pain and disappointment is killing me silently. This is a taboo subject that I avoid mentioning, and I avoid blogging but I can't stand it no more.. I need to write it all out.. I feel that I am the lousiest at what I do.. I feel that nothing I do has made a difference in the life of anyone....
As Shakespear wrote, "All the world is a stage and all men are merely players.." It's hard to pretend that everything is right and be the insane Ms Leow in class... Sometimes the Ms Leow is really crying silently inside, asking herself if what she has done is right.. You know as the cloze passage wrote.. Her shoulders shook as she was sobbing uncontrollably.. That was exactly how I felt in class today. Yet I could not show my true emotions.... I had to wear my million watt smile and continue my role for the show must go on. I made a mental note to try not to get agitated and irritated, if not my avalanche of emotions would come spilling down, drowning and shocking everyone......... I really have to thank all my guardian angels especially one in particular for giving me the energy to go on........
"Thanks for your listening ear last night. Believe it or not, I told you so much, so much more than I had ever told anyone. You are absolutely right... I am indeed afraid of the disappointment... The fear that everyone can't do well despite my efforts, the fear that everyone can't make it for their O levels because I suck big time as a teacher. However, the difference lies in the fact that I am not afraid to try.. I know I might be disappointed but who cares.. At least I have tried!!! Know what I mean? "
The question remains to stay or to leave.. I love all of you but I HATE............. my voice is muted and I can only suffer in silence....
Friday, March 14, 2008
It's cliche but I do have to admit and I have to blog it down that Time and Tide indeed wait for no man.... End of Term 1 and I told myself that I would be leaving service together with my darling 5N2s. However, for some unknown reasons and perhaps my personal lazinesss, I am still teaching, serving out my dues perhaps?:)
I am now wondering, how am I supposed to abandon ship and leave all these people behind.. I seriously do not think and feel that I am one of the most capable teacher around but I do love my students. It's really going to be a tough decision for me to make I really want to...
Anyone out there who believes in Guardian Angels? I do because I have a couple in my life and they are the ones who always make me feel the ray of sunshine and bring the smile back to my face whenever I feel like throwing in the towel. They make me feel that all is worth it and I get the potential energy to bounce back from rock bottom! Believe it or not, a darling of mine actually "laid a curse on me" because of a comment that I made. Told him that if I ever get an opportunity and lay my hands on a lion's share of the big Ang Pow draw of 2008. I would tender my resignation with immediate effect. Please feel free to laugh at my wildest dreams and I can so imagine a cartoon figure with a bubble right above the head that says..."Fat hope and dream on" hahah!!!! Well, there were subsequent episodes to this incident and more people were involved. Honestly i really felt it was quite funny.. hehe :) On a more serious note, I was indeed touched by that comment..... Want to say that ....I love all of you and I will try my best to stay on in service for as long as I can.... To a particular class of mine, thanks for bringing back the joys and laughter that I had with my 5N2...They are indeed irreplaceable but so are you guys! :p
Am now currently blogging my thoughts at the TCC at terminal 3 while waiting for Mei to be done at Fedex... actually i still harbour the thoughts of meeting someone everytime I am at T3.... haha! It's weird how 9 years has passed and I am still thinking and will still be thinking till I get an answer to my question and I think that means never... Anyway, somethings are better left unknown and unsaid and as the saying goes.. Let sleeping dogs lie....
To S, thanks for all the beautiful memories... Am happy that you have found your angel! May you always be happy and blissful when you are with her.........
Hey everyone, please pardon me if I sound a little incoherent today because that is exactly how I feel now.... LOST! haha
GLAMOUR SHOP
Quotes For Thoughts
#1 Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.
#2 To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give, that takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.
#3 Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
#4 Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
#5 Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory!
THE GLAMOUR GIRL
Yanting
15th Jan
age is a secret; for me to know, for you to find out
Institutions that contributed to the present me:
#1 Tung Ling Kindergarten
#2 Haig Girls Pri
#3 Tanjong Katong Girls School
#4 NUS
#5 NTU
HER LIKES
- SHOPPING
- Enjoys being with her friends who brighten up her life and heartens her soul
- Loves food but picky about what she eats and who she eats with
- Reading is a definite mus
- Music ranging from Chinese Pop to Classical (PS/ simply adores Jay Chou
-Plays, movies and basically anything artsy intrigues her
- Karaoke!
- The sun, sand & sea
WISHES
- All my lovable darlings to pass their exams with flying colours and may they realise all their dreams and wishes
-For all around me to be happy and live life to the fullest!!! :)
-The reunification of the puffs real soon... miss the times we spend together and the tons of silly things we do... :(