Thursday, January 31, 2008
I still feel the guilt and I can't shake it off.. What more can I do........ Am down in the dumps and I am trying to pick myself up and love everyone but alas I can't. There are just certain souls that I can't bring myself to love... Do I first need to nourish my soul before I can go forth and love others.. Can someone or anyone tell me what to do?!!?!?! Am crying out for help....
Honestly, I miss _____________ & ____________ & ________________ & a whole lot more :(
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Disappointment.. I am indeed disappointed in myself and I question the fact if I am a good or sucky teacher... Many a times I have thought of leaving the teaching profession and I think that I should really do so.... I can't move people to be motivated to do their work and I really think that I have put in my 100 percent for some people but I am not reaping what I have sowed... I did try my best, I really did. I know I can't help everyone but I did try to help those who I can help but it is just now showing......
Sometimes patience isn't enough to last for this profession..... I have the patience but perhaps I do not have the skills.... Just this morning I told 4N7, if they are willing to put in 100 %, I promise that I would give them 150%. But is my 150% good enough or do I have to give 200%. I know that there are others around me who don't give as much but yet they receive better results. I think I only blame myself for being a curse. Perhaps being in my class is a curse..
To all of you who have put in effort and you are in my class... I am really sorry..... I could not help you to achieve the grade reflective of your ability. I hope I have not spoilt and damage your future and I really hope that you will work hard and strive for the best....
I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I am really sorry, I AM REALLY SORRY.... No matter how many sories will not be good enough... But once again... I AM SORRY...
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Day One Week One of 2008.... All seem so familiar... I am back to the familiar premises of Bedok View; The same school gate, the same security guards, the same parade square greeted me when I drove my car in..... However all these are insufficient to soothe all the insecurities and the degree of lossness that i am feeling... I am treading on unknown grounds, far away from my comfort zone and not knowing where and who to turn to....
I miss .....
my 5N2...
The bunch of people whom I have grown so attached to and has contributed to my tears of joy and happiness and my sounds of laughter... When I stood in front of my class today, I knew that things were different. There was no more familiar faces. No Jazrel, Bao Mu cum secretary, eileen, caroline, shao ting, NJT the emperor, Ah Su , Subaru, Mian Mian, yvette, amelia, lina, eunice, atiqah, nurqiah, adila, luming, marcus, jun liang, umar, song yuan, weian, james, guang jun, yihong, hwee suen, zhang shuo, yiqun, JP, Myran, terence Do Do Bert and not forgetting my Boss Din... I miss being the ah Ma Leow that I have always been.. Nagging at everyone and making them realise the importance of sitting for the major examinations.... Telling them snippets of my life and sharing with them the funny happenings in my life especially after my 3 weeks or so trip to turkey, bangkok, macau and HK (despite the fact that i know that I can sound boring..) I could not imagine myself to tell such stories today... The noise got into me and it made me appreciate the things that I had once taken for granted.. The silly jokes of the Han Bros and JP and even the sight of myran sleeping in class.... I remembered the day when the petty me was at work... I got upset with all of you for not getting me a Valentine Day bouquet when the other teachers received one from their class... In retrospect, that was so silly of me!!!! Am laughing at myself now, I think there are far more important things like memories that I hold close to my heart.. If i were to write them all down I think i would takes days and nights... Now i do wonder of I had been to hard on them (though i seriously do not think so!) Feel highly depressive today and I know I need time to "heal". Mr Su reminded me and I do know i need to let you people go as you have grown up and I sincerely hope you will find joy and happiness everyday of your lives! Never forget the times in 4N7 and 5N2!
my 5N3...
The class that has been with me for less than a year but nonetheless left me with so much memories to speak off....... So much things have happened..... Miss the faces of everyone in class, Big S, Shamir Fareez, Adeline, Val, Xiao Jun, Hau Yee, Ana, Minoru, Kian Soon, Dary, Kee Chee, Anthony, Xiao Ting, Rena, Audrey, Yu Da, Jia Shan, Devi, Farhan, Asyraf, Kok Feng, Wei Jie, Shawn, Farmi, Harun, Hafiz, Small S, Dashima, Aisyah... Sometimes I do wish that I could have gotten to know the class a little better.. Will always remember how I lost my cool when i discovered how someone in class was telling stories about me to his mother.. To think of it now, I must have been real petty! Anyway, thanks for leaving your footprints in my life and I wish you all the best in your future endeavours!
My Lao Da and Tai Yang...
When the sun sets, it's always dark and gloomy and that was how I felt when our ray of sunshine left the school for greener pastures... Life in the staff room was different but at least, I still had my Lao Da aka my friendly neighbour, travel kaki, my buddy, my uncle agony and my fellow foodie all rolled into one. Beginning of 2008, Lao Da left as well...no doubt, I had friends and still my bro but no matter how hard i try, things was and will never be the same.. For the first few days, I was like a drug addict suffering from withdrawal syndroms.. I kept to myself, refusing to talk too much... When i returned from class, there was nobody to share my complaints and thoughts with... When I turned and look at the seat next to me, it was a familiar face but unfamiliar person... I believe that with time, I will love my new neighbour as well.. However, darling lao da and tai yang will always have this special spot in my thoughts and heart!